Is hubby unfair to mother-in-law?

Is hubby unfair to mother-in-law?

This is the problem.

My mother's husband gets to spend quality time with our children (ages 10 & 4) quite often, usually during the summer. My mother doesn't get that much time with them because my husband thinks that my mother needs assistance with them. I have talked to my husband about this, and I have told them that my mother does fine with the children. He wants to say it's because of her age (just turned 67 years old), how frantic she gets when emergencies happen, and she may be too overwhelmed. My mother has no physical impairments. I believe everyone gets frantic during emergency situations. I told him she should be the only person to judge what is overwhelming for her and not him. That is a problem in itself.

Okay, so his mom who is 56 years old, always gets the children. My kids went to Alabama, where the grandparents live, for a week. This was my hubby's idea. In my mind, they were to spend time with my mom for 3 days and 3 days with his mom. It didn't end up that way. My mom was shorted the days because his mother had already planned events to do with them. I was highly upset and told my mother-in-law how much I disagreed with the way she handled this. I told her she should have at least contacted my mom to arrange what days my mom could have had the kids or vice versa. My mother thought that my mother-in-law would call her to set up days she would have the kids, but my mother-in-law jumped the gun and made plans for the kids. My mom was hurt and upset.

I feel like the only person who tries to keep balance in my home is ME. I would like to know, am I in the wrong for voicing my opinion with my mother in law on how she handled this? What could be an easier way next time?

From: Tewanda, GA

Dear Tewanda,

It's letters like yours that make me think if I'm gonna write another book, it should be about in-laws!

Gosh, I don't understand how people can just make these unilateral decisions and think there won't be fall-out. It sounds to me like your mother-in-law and your hubby somehow colluded on this. I'm not passing blame around, just saying.....

But it does sound to me as if there are communication problems here. Have a heart-to-heart with your mom so you can get to the heart of the matter, for your own clarification: Does it make her anxious to have the kids? Where does your husband get that idea? Her age -- 67 -- is not old. Is she an anxious person? Is there more to this than meets the eye? Your kids' ages, 10 & 4, is a wide age range, and that's the only clue here that makes me wonder if perhaps your mother is OK with the older child and anxious around the younger?

Have a heart-to-heart with your husband. Does he really not get how unfair his mother was to your mother?

Have a heart-to-heart with your mother-in-law, ditto the question to your husband.

And what about the kids? Do they enjoy being at each home?

Make a plan for the next time that spells everything out, dates, times, activities. Get everyone to sign on. For real.

Readers, what would you do?

I answer a question from a reader every weekday. If you want help with some aspect of child-rearing, just write to me here.